Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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