My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
