I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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