Tell her she can't have a vagina
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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