just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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