why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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