Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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