why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
