i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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