My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
