i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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