She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
