I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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