My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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