I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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