Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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