puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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