saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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