I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
