I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
