Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
