Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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