From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
