i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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