He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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