So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize