I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness