Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
