Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
