I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
