I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Is Oprah even human
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
