I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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