have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
