he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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