Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
