I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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