After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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