the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
