So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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