I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
