You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will pee on everything he values.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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