My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
