Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
