walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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