There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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