I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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