New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
