You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The air was thick with penises
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
