she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
