I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
