Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
