wakey wakey hands off snakey
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
