no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
