Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
