i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
