You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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