I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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