So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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